Dear Harlan, 

I’m in college now, but my mother is still very controlling of my life. She used to be abusive and has started to show signs of abusive behavior again. What should I do?

Mom Problems

Dear Mom Problems,

Congratulations. You finally made it.  You’ve arrived at the part of your life where you can take back total control.  This is when you can work to undo all the damage from the past 18 years. Be grateful that you can identify that she is abusive and controlling. Acknowledging it means that she is losing control. And without the control, she will no longer be able to abuse you. You need to learn how to set and maintain boundaries. You need to practice telling her how you need to be treated and what to say when she mistreats you. You need to love yourself and find more people who can love you and respect you. This means finding better friends, leaning on healthy relatives, finding spiritual leaders and creating a new support system that includes other survivors of abuse and professionals to counsel you. Your mom won’t like this.  Your actions will mean that she will lose all control. She can either listen to you or fight you. Should she try to fight you, turn to your new support system, set boundaries and take control of your life.

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Dear Harlan, 

I’m a girl who’s pretty much interested in hookups only right now. I find that being straightforward about what I want generally leads to guys judging me or not respecting me because of my straightforward approach. Don’t you just love double standards? I think it’s more respectful to be honest. This way, I’m not trying to waste my time or anyone else’s by not being honest about what I want. Do you have any advice?

Nothing Serious

Dear Nothing Serious,

You might not be as comfortable as you’re letting on. A woman who wants to hook up shouldn’t spend this much time worrying about what men think.  Men get this reaction from women all the time. They listen and move on. You should absolutely talk about what will happen after the hookup before the hookup, but give people permission to respond however they want. If you don’t want to be judged, then find men who want what you want through dating apps, setups and singles groups. This way, there won’t be any confusion. Just be safe, check out your partner’s background and make sure your friends know who you’re with and what you’re doing with these people.

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Dear Harlan, 

I’m in love with someone who is in a relationship. She is happy with her significant other, but I know we should be together. How do I suppress my feelings toward someone who is taken?

Secret Crush

Dear Secret Crush,

Find 10 other women to love. No, make it 20 or 30. When you’re this taken by one person, it tells me you’re not meeting enough people. Your world is too small. You need to put yourself in more rooms with more people doing things you love to do. The world is filled with attractive, interesting, available people. Yes, it’s easier and safer to hang on to an imaginary relationship. It’s safer to love someone who is taken because you don’t worry about getting hurt. Don’t suppress your feelings. Channel them into a relationship that actually can happen.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

© Harlan Cohen 2017

Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.