Dear Harlan, 

I’m the father of a 3-year-old with another on the way. Sadly, my wife miscarried halfway through her second pregnancy. We struggled with secondary infertility for 19 months, and she’s now pregnant with our third using a donated egg (and my sperm). She’s about 10 weeks along and is very happy. I find myself struggling to connect with this pregnancy the way I did with the first two. I guess a lot of it has to do with the failed infertility treatments and having to pick up the broken pieces. I appreciate any advice you might have.

Dad-to-Be Again

Dear Dad-to-Be Again,

You have a lot going on, man. You have a young child, a pregnant wife and the pain of a lost pregnancy. It’s hard to connect when there is so much uncertainty and trauma. When my wife was pregnant for the third time, it was a totally different experience. Each pregnancy was unique. The first pregnancy stopped our world. Every day was about my wife’s health and baby on the way. The second pregnancy was about managing a newborn and the excitement of doing it all again. The focus wasn’t solely on the baby on the way. The third pregnancy was all about managing life with two kids and a pregnant wife. At times, I forgot she was pregnant. The pregnancy was just part of a chaotic life. I couldn’t connect with the pregnancy because I was too busy managing life. I was excited, but it took a while to form that bond. Everything you’re feeling is normal. Be patient, and trust that you will form a tight bond with your child once he or she is born. Once the child is here, it will be safer to get close to him or her and start a relationship. Until then, be grateful for the child you have and the pregnancy. You are blessed.

***

Dear Harlan, 

Our teenage son, who is a junior in high school, doesn’t talk to us at all. His grades are good, he has friends and I think he’s happy. He rolls his eyes at us. Is there anything we can do to connect with him? 

Parent of Teen

Dear Parent of Teen,

You have two more years on your kid-rental program. Then he’s off to the next part of his life. Don’t let endless eye rolls push you away. It’s his job. Even if he’s not responding, he’s listening (assuming no headphones are jammed in his ears). The most important thing you can do is have family dinners. There is research that points to family dinners lowering high-risk teenage behaviors (drinking, drug use, violence, etc.) Sit together as a family. Make it a habit. In addition, plan events together. Whether it’s a weekend sporting event or winter vacation, do things as a family. If there are two parents involved, let whichever parent has a connection check in with him. If neither parent can connect, ask him who he can talk to if he has a problem or question. Offer a therapist or counselor or spiritual leader. Make sure he has people in his corner. Check his social networks (Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Tumblr). Host events at your house (see how he interacts with friends). Make your  house a place to hang out (so you can see him with friends). Just make sure he knows you are ALWAYS in his corner — even if he rolls his eyes at family dinner, events and vacations.

***

Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

© Harlan Cohen 2016

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