Dear Harlan, 

I recently moved back to my home state to help a relative in dire straits. I gave up a comfortable rental condo, job and social life to help him out. I enjoy evening cocktails and often play music. However, this relative seems to have issues with this and it always creates an argument. I’m not some heavy-metal headbanger who has rowdy friends over.  I listen to soft classical, and the spirits are in my room. I’m paying the bulk of our living expenses and resent the juvenile attitude my relative has about this.  He claims “his house, his rules.” What’s your take on the situation? 

Hardly Fair

Dear Hardly Fair,

Someone who’s in dire straits isn’t thinking very clearly. He might want his space. He might not want anyone around. There’s no reason to resent him.  You willingly entered this situation. Even though you’re paying for living expenses, it’s his house. While you have every right to relax and have friends over for wine-and-cheese classical music parties, it might be too much for this relative. If you’re going to be there short-term, go to other people’s homes and wear headphones. If this is a long-term situation, approach this from a place of understanding and compassion. It’s his house and his rules. See if the rules can change to accommodate you having friends over occasionally. If the rules are inflexible, consider moving out. Don’t threaten him. Explain that you need rules that will allow you to be comfortable, too. This is not ideal for everyone. The simple gesture of giving him control when he seems to lack it might tilt the rules on your favor.

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Dear Harlan, 

I’m 19 and got engaged to my boyfriend of two years. We are waiting until we graduate from college to get married. We started talking about Thanksgiving, and my parents want me to come visit, but his parents want him to spend it with them. We feel we should spend it together. They seem to think that until we’re married, we should split up and spend it apart. We don’t agree. We discussed taking turns, but my family wants the first turn. He wants his family to have the first turn. I’m thinking about skipping it altogether. Any suggestions? 

Engaged

Dear Engaged,

I smell turkey, stuffing and a lot of trouble. You still have Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays and religious rites of passages waiting for you to manage. If you can’t pass the first Thanksgiving hurdle, this engagement isn’t going to make it to your wedding date. Question: Do you think they don’t want you to get married? Families who want couples to stay together don’t put a wedge in the relationship. Ask them how they feel about the marriage.  Be prepared for the truth. Make sure there isn’t something else complicating the situation. Listen to what they’re feeling. Given that you’re this young and getting married so far into the future, they might not be ready to accept you as a couple. Once you can gauge their support, you can put together a strategy that will create the least amount of hurt and stress. You can switch holidays, divide and conquer during some holidays, and stay together for other ones. If they are supportive and encouraging, then you can figure out a way to make this work.  Once you can listen to their feelings, it will be easier to figure out where to go and how to manage bigger family issues in the future.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.