Dear Harlan,

I’m a 25-year-old man who is attracted to larger women. It’s always been this way for me. I’m on the tall and skinnier side, and I’ve never been attracted to women with a similar body type. I recently started dating a woman who is much larger than me. My friends have stopped making jokes at my expense after I told them to stop, but my family is still at it. They are weight-conscious and less accepting. What can I say when my family makes comments about my girlfriend’s size? I’ve started to avoid bringing my girlfriend near my family because I don’t want to explain this or subject her to their comments. I’m embarrassed to be around them. Do you have any suggestions? I’m too old to keep secrets from my family.

Shameful Family

Dear Shameful,

I don’t know if your family has noticed, but being bigger is in. More than two-thirds of the U.S. population is obese. I’m not exaggerating. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 36.5 percent of U.S. adults are obese. People are categorized as obese if their body mass index is 30 percent or higher (https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/adult/defining.html). This means you have a lot of beautiful women to choose from, and there are a lot of people who will support your choices. Before thinking your family are insensitive, skinny snobs, have a heart-to-heart. Start with the most compassionate person. Don’t make it about this person; instead, make it about you. You’re worried about bringing your girlfriend around them because the comments make you uncomfortable. You don’t want to hurt her feelings. Let them know that the jokes and comments are hurtful. They might not realize that their barbs are harmful. At the same time, find a core group of people who will love and accept you. Lean on her family and friends. Give your family time to realize that they’re wrong and change their ways. Appreciate that they have their own issues. As this relationship develops and they get to know her, they will learn what you already know: Big is beautiful.

***

Dear Harlan,

I live in an apartment with a friend. We decided to live together because we both moved close to home, and it was easier financially. His mom has a key and is always barging in unexpectedly. She stocks the fridge with meals and cleans up. She will even do his laundry. We agreed that we wouldn’t give anyone keys, but for some reason, he thinks his mom is exempt from this rule. I asked him to take away her key, but he just ignores me. I think he’s scared. Since he won’t do anything about his mother, I will. I told him if he doesn’t get back the key, I’m changing the locks. Is this reasonable? I don’t want to ruin our relationship.

Invaded

Dear Invaded,

What if she did your laundry and cooked for you, too? Forget changing the locks. This woman will find a way to get in. A determined mother can’t be stopped. I get that you have your rules and he broke them, but there could be another answer. How about making new rules? His mother can only come over a certain day of the week, and she needs to text you before entering on other days. If he’s afraid of telling his mother, he can throw you under the bus and say it was your rule. If he can’t set some boundaries, move out. First it will be his mom, and next it will be his girlfriend. Clearly he’s not good at respecting rules.

***

Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 2720 Dundee Road, Suite 226, Northbrook, IL 60062.

© Harlan Cohen 2017

Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.

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