Dear Harlan,

I recently discovered that I’m pregnant. My boyfriend has been acting really strange since we found out. He is distant. He doesn’t pay as much attention to me, and he spends less time with me. I can’t break up with him, because I need him in my life. But if I wasn’t pregnant, I would break up with him. This is so upsetting. I want to be with someone who treats me well and can help me raise my child. I’ve asked him if there is a problem, and he just gets quiet. I think he might be scared, but it’s impossible to know how he feels when he shuts down. He has had a bad family life. Do you have any suggestions?

Pregnant and Scared

Dear Pregnant,

You need five people to depend on, but your boyfriend can’t be one of the five. Let him be the sixth, less-dependable person. Your five people are the individuals you can depend on for support. They are always there for you. These people can be friends, family, spiritual leaders, therapists, doctors, members of support groups or anyone else who is dependable. Being pregnant is a huge transition for you. The last thing you need is having to fix a broken boyfriend. You need a short-term and a long-term plan. The short-term plan is to focus on yourself and this pregnancy. Yes, you can include your boyfriend, but don’t depend on him. And you can’t be responsible for his feelings and his reactions. You can ask him to be there for you as much as he can, but make sure you have people who WILL be there for you. Find pregnancy groups online and offline, go to pregnancy exercise classes, and find pregnant or recently-pregnant friends. Also, make sure you have a support system in place for once the baby arrives. He’s not dependable. As for the long-term plan, if he wants to be part of your child’s life – and yours – he’s going to have to do some work. Time and your newly found support system might help him get it together. A lot of men go through big changes when faced with fatherhood. Postpartum depression is something men can experience during and after pregnancy, too. The change is like stirring a pot of emotions that has been buried for years. It’s not an excuse; it’s just one more thing for you to consider.

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Dear Harlan,

I’m going to Europe for a couple of months, but I met a guy. He wants to go out on a date. Should start something with him, or is it a waste of time?

Leaving Town

Dear Leaving Town,

It sounds like a waste of time … for you. But for someone else who is interested in enjoying quality time with an interesting guy, it’s a great idea. What’s the risk? Why is there so much at stake? You could meet a great guy, go to Europe, and come back and date him. You could have a great date and continue to date him. Maybe he already has a plan to visit Europe and you could meet up with him. Your question tells me everything I need to know about you: You’re probably scared of getting hurt again. Something happened to you that has made you more focused on the possible pain than on the joy of the experience. Instead of worrying about what will happen next, focus on what is happening now. It’s a date. Change your expectations: Expect to have a nice date, and then you’ll see what happens next.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

© Harlan Cohen 2017

Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.

–HELP ME, HARLAN! Girlfriend is pregnant and her boyfriend is spooked  —