HELP ME, HARLAN! Insulting grandma is up to her old holiday tricks

Harlan Cohen

harlan_mug_c-copyDear Harlan, 

My grandmother always brings up my weight when we get together for holidays. She has no filter. She says whatever comes to mind. This happened again over Thanksgiving. I’ve struggled with my weight for my entire life. She knows how much it bothers me, but continues to keep hurting my feelings. I’ve respectfully asked her not to ask me about this, but she doesn’t listen. I will see her again during the holidays. What should I do? I’m already dreading the upcoming holidays. 

Grandma Problem

 

Dear Grandma Problem,

Grandma roasts a ham and the guests. No, it’s not nice. You can lose the weight, but you’ll never lose your grandma’s unsolicited advice. Even if she stops with the weight comments, she’ll find some other way to get under your skin. She wants a reaction. She will never stop giving you her opinion. Don’t try to manage her. Manage your reactions. Acknowledge her comments and move on. You can talk to her again about it, if you want, but that will just give her a bigger reaction. She likes the attention. The best approach is to love yourself even more. This can mean changing what you don’t love or loving what you can’t change. When you love yourself, stupid comments from family members roll off your back. When you are balanced, happy and healthy, you can enjoy the best qualities of flawed people. Instead of feeling attacked, you can look past this part of her personality and love what she can offer. Or you can scrap all this advice, avoid her and head to Vegas over the holidays!

 

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Dear Harlan, 

How can you help students realize that their success isn’t completely wrapped up in their GPA? College counselors say that high-school students can’t get into a top state school without a 4.3 GPA? There is so much pressure to be accepted that students are having emotional breakdowns. There is widespread peer pressure. I try to avoid letting it affect my parenting, but it’s hard to avoid when it’s woven into the culture. What can we do to change this? 

Parent of a Senior

 

Dear Parent,

It starts with you — the parent. Make it about your kid, not about the college. I was a 3.0 student in high school (barely), struggled on my SATs, went to a state college and didn’t choose a major until my junior year. I figured it out. My parents didn’t care about the college. They didn’t tell me what I should want. They didn’t let other people dictate what I should want. They let me choose what I wanted. “What do YOU want?” is the only question they asked. They trusted that I would be successful. There’s an epidemic of students who don’t know the answer. It’s easier, safer and more comfortable for students and parents to focus on being wanted. They take classes to be wanted. They choose clubs and organizations to feel wanted. As a result, more college students than ever are feeling overwhelmed, stressed and depressed. Make college less about a school and more about your child. Make it a mantra. The best school is NOT always the best place for your child. Check out Frank Bruni’s book “Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be.” The book shares data and anecdotes from students who have gone to a wide range of schools and won big. Getting accepted to a top-tier school doesn’t guarantee happiness, fulfillment or a top-tier life.

 

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

 

© Harlan Cohen 2016

Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.