HELP ME, HARLAN! The perfect gift for the impossible dad

Harlan Cohen

Dear Harlan, 

My father is impossible to shop for. When we buy him clothes, he returns them; nothing seems to fit right or look good on him. When we buy him gift cards, he doesn’t feel like we’ve made an effort. He never lets us pay for meals. My 22-year-old sister and I love our father, but getting him gifts is the worst. Any suggestions on what to get a dad who never likes our gifts? 

Frustrated Giver

 

Dear Gift Giver,

Get him the world’s ugliest sweater from a store that he loves. Write a card and tell him that you look forward to returning it with him. Then plan on having lunch together when he returns the ugliest sweater in the world to his favorite store. Along with the sweater, include a picture of you and your sister in a beautiful frame — or an equally ugly frame. Instead of trying to please a man who doesn’t want to be pleased, make him smile and laugh, and figure out how to share an experience with him. Part of the annual gift-giving tradition can be returning it with him. This way you can all go out to your favorite stores together and share an experience. Who knows? He might feel generous after lunch and get you a little something, too, when returning the gift. Let me know how it goes.

 

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Dear Harlan, 

My parents won’t let my boyfriend and me share a room in their home when I visit them for the holidays. We are staying there for five days. My mom is very conservative and thinks that we are going to do something unholy. What she seems to forget, or ignore, is that we basically live together when I’m not at home. I have my own apartment, but it’s not like I’m there very much. I would like to spend time waking up with my boyfriend of five years during our time off together. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request. We are both independent adults in our 20s. My mom says that until we are married, she’s uncomfortable with us sharing a room — her house, her rules. So he has to stay in my brother’s room. It’s getting to the point of me not wanting to go home. It makes no sense. My boyfriend is a good sport, but I know it bothers him, too. Any advice besides not going home? 

Home for the Holidays

 

Dear Home for the Holidays,

Your mom isn’t going to lay rose petals on the bed, set two bottles of water on the nightstand and put condoms and lube in the drawer (just in case). She will never let you share a bedroom while you’re still single and dating this man. You need to get married (but don’t expect the condoms and lube). It’s five days at home. Meet your mom where she is. She has values rooted in a lifetime of experiences. They aren’t changing. If you want to wake up with your boyfriend, do it at home, or find a hotel for a night before or after the visit. If you want me to be brutally honest, it sounds like the problem has less to do with the sleeping arrangements and more to do with pleasing your mom or seeking her approval. Give her permission to be who she is. Enjoy the best she can offer. If you’re looking for approval, get married or find it somewhere else. But you won’t find it sharing a bedroom at home.

 

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

 

© Harlan Cohen 2016

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