HELP ME, HARLAN!

Dear Harlan,

My mother-in-law is a well-intentioned person, but she comes over unannounced, criticizes our parenting and is an overall negative person. When she takes care of our two children, she rarely follows our directions. I’ve mentioned this to my wife, but she just brushes it off. We appreciate saving money on child care, but she would have been fired long ago if she was not a family member. Whenever I bring these issues up to my wife, she tells me to just deal with it or let it go. I’m getting to the point where I feel I need to talk to her mom for her. Do you suggest I speak to her mom if she won’t do it?  

Fed Up 

Dear Fed Up,

See the pattern? Your wife doesn’t want to talk to you about the problem. She doesn’t want to talk to her mom about the problem. And she probably grew up in a home where you don’t address problems. Those are the sources of your problems. Instead of talking to your mother-in-law about what’s happening, you need to talk to your wife. You need a united front. Threatening to talk to her mom won’t do anything to help your relationship with your wife. She needs your love and support. You need to make it safe for her to talk to you about the problem. You need to find out what your wife is feeling. Do it in a way that’s safe. No threats. No anger. Just her thoughts. This will be the first step. You need to know if she agrees with you. Once you can have an aligned front, you’ll be able to plan how to move forward. The answer might be finding alternative child care, having a conversation with her mom or a combination of the two. You may never be able to control your mother-in-law’s behavior, but you can work to create a united front. Once you do, you might be very surprised to see that her mom is open to changing — if she’s approached the right way with the right tone.

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Dear Harlan, 

I’m in a group project, but I’m the one doing all the work. There are three other members of the group, but no one seems to do their job. When I say something, everyone makes promises and then makes excuses. I end up stepping in and doing all the work. I want to approach the professor and explain the situation. It doesn’t seem fair that my partners should get equal credit for doing less work. I’m angry and totally frustrated.  Should I say something? 

Working Too Hard

Dear Working Too Hard,

Tattletale. Seriously, that’s how it will look to the people you tell. Yes, you’re doing all the work. Yes, it’s totally unfair. But yes, you also are learning more than anyone else. You’ll also get a great grade. Call this practice for the future. Your life will be filled with people who do the minimum. The only person you can control is you. I don’t see how telling your professor is going to win you anything. All it’s going to do is make you look like you can’t communicate with people in your group. It’s only going to upset the people in your group.  Instead, find a way to motivate the group. Explain how you feel to your team. Make it clear what you want and what you need. Don’t keep your feelings a secret. If no one responds to you, find a new group next time.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.