HELP ME, HARLAN!

Dear Harlan, 

How can I feel more confident about my body? I’m in my early 20s and people tell me I’m attractive, but I still can’t seem to feel good about myself. I don’t know how to feel attractive and love myself when I get little attention from people I want to meet. This has been going on ever since I can remember. How can I become confident and love myself? 

Not Feeling Pretty

Dear Not Feeling Pretty,

I spent 10 years hating my body and the rest of my adult life learning to love myself. Self-worth starts with liking yourself. Liking yourself has nothing to do with other people liking or wanting you; it’s knowing that you’re interesting, attractive and worth loving even in the absence of love. It’s looking in the mirror and believing that anyone would be lucky to be with you. Got that? This takes work. This starts with facing the truth. I call this “training in a thong” (a thong hides nothing). You must look in the mirror and take a good look at yourself. What do you love? What do you hate? Make a commitment to change what you don’t love and tolerate what you can’t change. Nothing will hold you back. And this isn’t just about training physically. You have to train emotionally and spiritually. Training emotionally means acknowledging what scares you and working to change or tolerate it. Training spiritually means working to have a life of meaning independent of a significant other. All these elements will give you a sense of self-worth and value independent of a partner. If you get stuck, lean on people who can help you. Want to get started? Pick one thing to change. Imagine it’s Jan. 1, 2017 and the change has already happened. Identify five people who can support and guide you. Identify the places where you found connection and community. Give yourself time to form the habits to create change. Check out the book “The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business,” by Charles Duhigg. I love this book. Change happens when you create new habits. Create a habit of loving yourself instead of judging yourself. Start with changing one thing. Send me updates. I would LOVE to be in your corner as you learn to love yourself.

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Dear Harlan, 

I’ve started a new relationship. My new boyfriend insists on having sex without a condom. I’m on birth control, but I’m not comfortable with this. He says he will get tested to make sure it’s safe. I’m still not into this. He can’t seem to take “no” for an answer. Am I being too cautious? I need a guy’s perspective. 

On the Pill

Dear On the Pill,

My male perspective: I’d use a sock if that’s what my partner wanted. Find out if there’s another reason why he insists on not using a condom; maybe he has an allergy or physical issue he’s too embarrassed to discuss. If you still aren’t comfortable, insist on using protection. If he doesn’t listen to what you want, then he doesn’t understand you. If he needs convincing, you can tell him that HPV (human papillomavirus) and herpes aren’t always detected by tests. You also can mention that you don’t want to worry about an accidental pregnancy if you miss a pill. If this still bothers him, find a new guy who wears condoms.  For more info, visit www.cdc.gov/std/healthcomm/fact_sheets.htm.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

© Harlan Cohen 2016

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