by Loren Logsdon
On the edge of the Heliotrope University campus, at the beginning of the town’s business district, is a popular restaurant called Wong’s Asian Banquet, owned and operated by Billy Wong. Heliotrope students and Weeder’s Clump residents alike enjoy the delicious, toothsome viands prepared by the loving hands of Billy Wong himself. Billy is famous for visiting with the customers, going from table to table introducing himself to new customers and chatting with the regulars. Billy also delights in distributing fortune cookies and small prizes to children, making them feel special. It is no wonder that when parents ask their children where they would like to have their birthday party, they disdain Chuck E. Cheese and exclaim with great enthusiasm, “The Asian Banquet!”

The menu at Billy Wong’s is extensive and not limited to Asian cuisine. On the contrary, Billy takes great pleasure in offering a good selection of American and Italian dishes. Boone Fowler swears that the liver and onions at Wong’s is the best he has enjoyed in a three-state area. Consequently, Boone shows his appreciation by giving Billy a brand new DeKalb seed cap every Christmas. Iva Goodun, a much traveled man of extraordinary parts, prefers the possum afire with fries akimbo. Eiji “Chicken” Teriyaki, professor at Heliotrope University and author of the best-selling science fiction novel “Tragedy Tomorrow, Kabuki Tonight,” waxes eloquent over the lasagna. G.O. Thermal, head football coach at the New Madrid Fault State University, travels all the way from Quincy to have Sunday dinner at Billy’s. Coach Thermal favors the traditional Chinese dishes, especially chop suey.

Out of deference to Molly Turgent, Goddess of the Electric Griddle at Mom’s Family Restaurant, Billy refuses to put cheese pudding on his menu. If you crave cheese pudding, you have to go to Mom’s.

Customers will tell you that Billy Wong is the most industrious human being they have ever known. Not only does he cook, wait on people, charm and entertain children, but he is also in charge of the cash register. This latter duty is by choice because Billy wants to make sure he thanks his customers as they leave. In fact, if you’re not careful, Billy can thank you at least three times before you can get out the door, and maybe four or five times should you tarry, and he insists on getting in the last “Thank you.” Billy does his very best to make dining at his establishment a pleasant and enjoyable experience. Billy is known in Weeder’s Clump as Politeness Itself.

Stories about Billy Wong’s expressions of gratitude are legendary. People have tried to get the last “Thank You,” but all have failed until recently. The best story is about two college friends named Hamilton Sandwich and Max Doubt, who became fond of dining on Friday nights at Billy’s. After a particularly fine meal of oyster stew and squid croquettes, they were so grateful for the delicious cuisine they were determined to get the last “Thank you.”

At the cash register, Billy took their money and said, “Thank you.”

Hamilton Sandwich, a junior law enforcement major at the university, replied, “No, Mr. Wong, the meal was so delicious it is we who should thank you. Therefore, Sir, I take my hat off to you and say, ‘Thank you.’”

Billy merely smiled, bowed, and replied, “Thank you.”

Hamilton countered with another “Thank you.”

Billy escorted the students to the door, opened it, and said, “Thank you.”

When the students were outside and the door had closed, Hamilton opened it, stuck his head back inside and said, “Thank you.” Then he closed the door, and the friends started walking away.

Before they could get out of hearing distance to their car, Billy opened the door and called after them, “Thank you.”

People in Weeder’s Clump simply allowed Billy to have the last “Thank you.” In fact, with most people the game was to see if they could pay the bill and leave with Billy thanking them only once.

Hamilton Sandwich, however, was not most people. He loved a challenge, and so he bet Max Doubt that he could get in the last “Thank you.” Max Doubt had plenty of money, and he thought the bet was a sure thing, so he wagered one hundred dollars that Hamilton could not get the last “Thank you.”

When the bet had been established, Hamilton Sandwich went to the phone, dialed Wong’s Asian Banquet, and asked, “May I please speak with Mr. Wong?”

Billy Wong answered the phone himself and said, “Speaking.”

Hamilton then said, “Mr. Wong, Thank you,” and quickly hung up.

Ruefully, Max said, “Would four twenties and two tens do?”

Post-Modern question: If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound?

Dr. Logsdon is the much-loved English professor who has inspired students at Western Illinois University and Eureka College for many years. He lives in Eureka with his wife, Mary, and writes a weekly story for the Woodford County Chronicle.