Love at the Movies

Loren Logsdon

“How did you and Mom meet?” young Clay Greenfield asked his father Cletes Greenfield as the two were having lunch at Mom’s Family Restaurant in Weeder’s Clump. Both had ordered the cheese pudding special.
“Mrs. Penn, my AP English teacher, thought it would be a good writing assignment to find out how our parents met.”

Cletes Greenfield looked admiringly at his oldest son. He was very pleased with the lad, who was beginning to show some real signs of leadership. “We actually met on a blind date. I had noticed her since early September. I was captivated by her dancing eyes and her bright smile. But I didn’t know her name, and I thought that surely a girl that wonderful would have a steady main squeeze. Then one Saturday, after our big game with The New Madrid Fault State University, Dick Bumpass was taking his girl to the movies and asked me if I would go along on a blind date. I agreed, and, wonders amazed, my date was your mother, the very girl I had admired from afar. We went to see a John Wayne movie about World War II.”

In the movie, “The Colonel Has to Know,” John Wayne was an officer on the front lines in Germany during the last days of World War II. The Germans were making a last ditch effort to turn the tide in their favor, but they knew the war was almost over. John Wayne told his men to be alert because enemy soldiers would try to infiltrate the American lines. He called his sentries to the command tent and told them the password was “Thermopylae.” “If they say ‘The Chicago Cubs,’ you’d better shoot first and ask questions later.”

Then John Wayne retreated into his tent and began to clean his six-guns, drink Wild Turkey liquor, and write to Jane Fonda, the girl waiting for him back home.

The soldier who had drawn the midnight to three watch was played by Walter Brennan. He was a bit old for an ordinary infantry soldier, and he walked with a pronounced limp, but he had lied about his age, claiming that he was actually afflicted with premature ageing. How he managed to pass the physical is a mystery that defies explanation. Be that as it may, Walter heard a noise in the forest and shouted, “Halt! Who goes there?”
A voice called out from the darkness, “Ve are joost happy-go-lucky Yanks from Vyoming. Ve hert zat Bob Hope vas coming to entertain ze troops, and ve didn’t vant to miss ze pulchritudinous nubile beauties zat he alvays bring viz him.”

Walter Brennan knew about Bob Hope’s visit and was looking forward to it, so it would only seem logical that the happy-go-lucky Yanks from Vyoming would want to attend the event. But something made him a bit suspicious, and he yelled, “Okay, sounds good, but what’s the password?”

“Hals-und Beinbruch, Yank!” was the answer, and a grenade sailed over Walter Brennan’s head and exploded just the other side of John Wayne’s tent.

John Wayne had been drinking all night, fantasizing about Jane Fonda, and singing “I’m a Poor Lonesome Cowboy.” He emerged from the tattered remains of his tent, waving both six gins and firing at the moon, shouting, “We’re gonna take that hill!” Then he passed out drunk but uninjured on the ground.

The German sergeant, played by Gustav Diessl, rushed up, looked down at the fallen John Wayne, called to his men and said, “Vell, ve finally got zat obnoxious John Vayne.”
Although Walter Brennan had forgotten his rifle and left it in his tent, he knew the situation called for heroic action. Bravely, with no thought for his own safety, he hopped and skipped and limped up to the German sergeant, pointed a finger at him, and said, “Surrender. Your position is hopeless.”

Not to be tricked and fall for such a dumb cliche, Gustav Diessl said, “Do you mean zat Bob Hope didn’t come?”

“No, I mean if you don’t surrender immediately, I will summon Gregory Peck, Richard Widmark, Robert Mitchum, Ronald Reagan, James Stewart, Humphrey Bogart, Charlton Heston, Kirk Douglas, Henry Fonda, James Whitmore, and Glen Ford, not to mention Clint Eastwood.”

“Clint Eastwood?” Gustav asked incredulously.

“I told you not to mention Clint Eastwood,” Walter Brennan replied. “Now cut out the tom foolery and throw down your weapons.”

Gustav Diessl was crestfallen. He said to his men, “Zere are too many of zem. Do as he says. Perhaps ve can still see Bob Hope if he comes.”

“That movie date was the beginning of our love,” Cletes said to his son.

“Did Mom have a good time?” Clay asked.

Cletes answered, “Yes, she certainly did. She slept through the entire movie.”