HELP ME, HARLAN! When the sparks fade, don’t be so quick to throw a relationship away

Harlan Cohen

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Dear Harlan, 

I love my boyfriend, and we have been in a relationship for a little over a year. I feel like our relationship has lost its spark. Two weeks ago, I randomly met a guy, and we hit it off. I know I should feel bad, but I dont. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to react?

Second-Guessing

 

Dear Second-Guessing,

The warranty on a relationship spark lasts for about nine to 12 months. That’s when the original lust wears off and the rest of the relationship begins. Some couples find a new spark by shopping for a new partner. Some create new sparks by planning trips, date nights and having intimate conversations about their feelings. Make sure you have a relationship that’s really broken and not just in a new phase. Talk to him about the spark. See what he’s feeling. If you are worried about losing the random guy, don. There will be lots of random dudes. Focus on fanning your current flame before putting it out.

 

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Dear Harlan, 

I fell in love with a guy during the summer. As a result, I got led on: He said he wanted to keep things going, but he ended the relationship once school started. Its been six months, and Im still not over it. How do I get over him? I need help moving on. 

Stuck

 

Dear Stuck,

Want to get over it? Stop trying. Give all the men you date a little piece of your heart. Let them keep it. You are going to date a lot of men over the course of your lifetime. If these men mean something to you — and you hope each one does — the memories will stick with you for the rest of your life. That’s a good thing. Let all the smaller connections leading up to a long-term connection teach you something about yourself and relationships. Instead of trying to erase or ignore the past, give this guy that small piece of your heart. Save the rest of your heart for future men. Your heart is big enough to handle it. Have experiences, be grateful for the past and be even more grateful for the future. Plan to give the final pieces of your heart to the love of your life.

 

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Dear Harlan, 

I believe in God and like to go to church, but my boyfriend does not believe at all. Do you think it will cause problems in the future? I do want to marry him one day. Will he come around? 

Praying It Works

 

Dear Praying It Works,

Don’t save him a seat at church — he’s not coming. It will make you resent him and irritate that family looking for one extra seat at church. If faith is a central part of your identity and you want a partner who shares your love of God, he’s not your guy. He might change in the future, but don’t plan on it. That wouldn’t be fair to him or respectful of his beliefs. Understand his reasons for not embracing church and God. Meet with your spiritual leader. Consider bringing your boyfriend along. See if there can be some kind of compromise. If your boyfriend respects your love of religion, you respect his lack of participation and you both commit to religion being part of your future family’s life, it could work. Just don’t expect your boyfriend to come around — but you can expect that family looking for the extra seat to come around.

 

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Harlan is author of Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober) (St. Martins Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

 

© Harlan Cohen 2016

Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.