HELP ME, HARLAN!: Boyfriend can’t compete against girlfriend’s phone

By Harlan Cohen

Harlan Cohen

Dear Harlan,

I have a girlfriend who can’t stop looking at her phone. It happens even when we are in the middle of a conversation. She will pick up her phone, and then gets frustrated with me when I’m annoyed by her texting. She claims that she is listening to me. I think she picks up her phone without even realizing she’s doing it. The worst is when we are talking and she gets an alert. I’m always competing with her phone. I have told her that I’m jealous of her phone because it’s more important to her than I am. She doesn’t take the hint. This just isn’t working; I’ve started to avoid spending time with her. Should I just fade away, or tell her what’s happening? I can’t see her stopping this anytime soon.

Competing

Dear Competing,

It’s reported that some teens check their phones as many as 150 times a day, and adults aren’t much better. According to research by Nielsen, 40 percent of those ages 21-34 use technology during meals. The number is even higher for people 35-64. My wife loves using her phone while I’m driving. Instead of getting irritated with her, I’ll ask her what she is texting or what she’s reading. If I feel excluded, I’ll ask her to include me. When we are having a serious conversation, the phone doesn’t come out. When we are at meals, the phone goes away.  Friends can have rules, too. I met a group of friends who put their phones in the middle of the table – the first person who reaches for his or her phone pays for dinner. Tech rules are essential.   When you talk about using the phone, don’t make it about what she’s doing, make it about what you need. Let her know when you need dedicated time. This means no tech – even if she thinks she’s still paying attention to you. See if you can make a small change. If she’s not open to new rules as a couple or can’t follow them, she might have an addiction. But first, start with rules as a couple and see if anything changes.

***

Dear Harlan,

I don’t believe that we all have options. I’m single, and I have no one in my life that I can date. I go out to singles’ events, I ask friends to set me up and I put myself out there. If there are all of these options, why is it so hard for me to find one good man to date? Could it be that some of us don’t have options?  Should we hang on to the first person who is just good enough? Life isn’t a fairy tale for everyone, like you make it out to be. Just food for thought.

No Fairy Tale

Dear No Fairy Tale,

I know why you haven’t found anyone: You don’t believe you will. Believing is scary. It means having expectations; when life falls short, you get hurt.  But don’t give up. There are 7 billion people in the world. Your prince, princess or non-binary royal partner is out there. The thing you’re missing is hope.  Instead of waiting to get hurt, look for love in your life. It doesn’t have to be romantic love; it can be love in anything in life. I’m talking love of nature, work, religion, coffee, sports, athletics, volunteering, learning, leading, playing or doing whatever it is you love. Do it with people who also love these things. Believe that love is out there. Surround yourself with love and hope, and good things will happen.

***

Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 2720 Dundee Road, Suite 226, Northbrook, IL 60062.

© Harlan Cohen 2017
Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.

 

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