When Bulgy Hypotenuse went to the Carpenter home to retrieve his jacket and impress Cordelia, whom he had picked up the previous night and given a ride home, he discovered from Cordelia’s mother that Cordelia had died in an automobile accident 20 years ago. Upset and angry, Mrs. Carpenter told Bulgy that his friends were probably playing a trick on him. She ordered him to leave and never come back.

As Bulgy left the Carpenter home, it dawned on him that the women of Delta Zeta might be playing a trick on him. He had heard one of them remark, in what he thought was a playful manner, that he might perish one day of self-inflicted love bites. But Mrs. Carpenter seemed genuine and certainly incapable of playing a role in such a prank. 

Bulgy was determined to get to the bottom of this mystery. As he drove back to campus, he had an idea. If Cordelia had been born and raised in Weeder’s Clump and if she had lived here all her life, then she would probably be buried in the local cemetery. If he could find her grave, that would solve at least part of the mystery. So he turned his car around and headed for the north gate of the Bide A Wee, Weeder Clump’s only cemetery. 

Bulgy had not been long in his search before he realized he was in the wrong part of the Bide A Wee. The stones were old and the inscriptions so faded as to be unreadable. Near the fence, however, standing out from the drab stones around it, was a stone chair, whose inscription read:

Mother,

As long as this chair is empty,

You will be missed

Then Bulgy saw a huge stone statue of a Civil War Officer on a horse. It marked the resting place of Colonel Hamilton Sandwich, Weeder Clump’s war hero and beloved citizen. As Bulgy was  about to go to another part of the cemetery, he was surprised to see a distinguished, white-haired, elderly gentleman emerge from behind the statue and introduce himself as Winston P. Dupont.

Mr. Dupont looked intently at Bulgy and said, “Young man, I would like your advice about a wedding present for my granddaughter, who is to be married in a fortnight to a wealthy Brazilian coffee planter named Juan Valdez. I just can’t think of a thing for her.”

Impatient to have his search interrupted and not interested in helping the perplexed grandfather, Bulgy said, “Why don’t you get her a little donkey.” 

“Thank you, young man. These young people deserve all the help we can give them when they embark on a life of connubial bliss. By the way, the frost won’t kill the weeds, and I must hurry home and insulate the doghouse,” Mr. Dupont said. Then he walked away at a brisk pace, whistling the climax to “The Grand March to Aida.” 

By this time Bulgy began to wonder if he was in an episode of “The Twilight Zone” or a Mel Brooks movie. He expected to see Pennywise the Clown appear and do a mystic buck and wing, but instead. in the newer part of the Bide A Wee,  he found a note wedged in a crack at the base of a tombstone. It contained the following message:  

“Dear Dick, I will meet you here when the grass is green. Meanwhile, eat your heart out.

 Pam.”

Bulgy shook his head and shouted, “What is this, a gathering place for dysfunctional people!”

Suddenly, off in the distance, as if a mute answer to his question, near the south gate of the Bide A Wee, a familiar object caught Bulgy’s eye. It was his jacket, which had been neatly draped around a tombstone. Bulgy raced over to retrieve his beloved jacket. He lifted it off the tombstone and read the inscription:

Cordelia Carpenter

b. April 26, 1965

 d. October 28, 1985

Contessa Navigato

Implora Eterne Quiete

Bulgy fainted and fell across Cordelia’s grave. A few hours later, as dusk was settling over the Bide A Wee, in the stillness of a late October evening, as the harvest moon was rising over the Little Sleazy River, Bulgy regained consciousness. He was clutching his jacket, and a noble dog was sitting at his side, looking intently at him. But Bulgy’s hair had turned completely white and he had aged 20 years. 

[Professor Logsdon has taught 24 years at Western Illinois University and 27 going on 28 at Eureka College.]