Dear Harlan,

How do you respond to people who dislike your advice? I’ve read responses from people who strongly disagree with you. What’s your approach when it comes to handling the haters? Do they ever get to you?

Hate or Love the Haters

Dear Hate or Love The Haters,

I love to be liked, but I don’t hate to be hated. Yes, I absolutely will avoid engaging some haters (hostile, threatening or violent ones). I appreciate the haters who tell me something of substance after the insult. If someone insults my ears without any substance, I can’t learn anything. I just assume the hater hates him- or herself. Miserable, unhappy people love to create drama because it helps them avoid having to look at their own lives. I appreciate haters who hate on me and then go on to share the reason(s) why they dislike me. Sometimes I agree and sometimes I don’t, but they always make me think. Haters force me to listen and to have a strong point of view, and they make me much less sensitive toward feedback. Of course, I don’t love it when people swear or call me names, but I’m always grateful when they can tell me why I’m wrong. I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong – I’m wrong all the time. Haters have helped me learn how to love myself, be grateful and get comfortable with the uncomfortable.

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Dear Harlan,

How many times a week should we plan on talking to our college freshman daughter? I would like at least a text message each day, but my husband says that expecting anything every day is too much. She is my only child, and we have a close friendship. I’m so sad, but I’m happy that she is going to have this new experience. I assume she will want to call or text more the first month or two. What do you think is reasonable for me to ask? I’m too emotional to think clearly.

Mom of One

Dear Mom of One,

BIG HUG. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are a feeling right now. She might want to text you five times a day or zero times a day. She might call you the moment she is feeling uncomfortable, or she might wait to process her feelings (waiting is better). My suggestion is to start with what SHE wants. Let her take the lead. Ask her what she thinks is an appropriate time to communicate. Having a baseline of what she wants will help you gauge how she’s doing. If she texts you 10 times a day, but you only planned on texting her once a day, that says something. As for your needs, instead of making it the number of times that matters, make it about why you want to hear from her. If it’s safety, then you can text her a few times a week. If it’s loneliness, find more friends. I’m serious. If it’s companionship, put together a plan so you can find more people and places and have a busier life. While you are going to be in your

daughter’s corner during this transition, she doesn’t need to be in your corner. You need to have other moms, parents and people to spend time with. Also, while it’s great to be connected, make sure she finds her people and places on campus. If she’s always texting, talking and communicating with you, she won’t have the motivation to find her way on campus.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 2720 Dundee Road, Suite 226, Northbrook, IL 60062.

© Harlan Cohen 2017

Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.

–HELP ME, HARLAN! Why I don’t hate the haters–