Dear Harlan,

I have a close group of friends who are all still single. When we get together, it’s like we’re living in different worlds. They are barely dating, and are in a different stage of life than I am. When I got married, we drifted apart. Now that I’m pregnant, it’s like we’re on different planets. I find it hard to be around them. I know they were upset with all the wedding talk while I was engaged. When I try to tell them about the baby, I feel like it’s bothering or annoying them. It hurts my feelings to have my best friends be less than supportive. I’m sad that I can’t talk to them, and I’m upset that we’re growing apart. They are planning on giving me a baby shower, but it’s making me uncomfortable. I don’t want them to do something their heart isn’t in, and I’m afraid it will just do more damage. What is the best way to approach them? Should I call it off?

Showered with Attitude

Dear Showered,

Definitely have the baby shower. Your friends can bring whatever attitude (and baby gifts) they want. They don’t get it, and it might take years for them to get it. But let them do the right thing. Clearly, your lives are in different places and don’t mesh. Single friends have a reputation for getting wedding fatigue, baby fatigue and new-home fatigue. This is normal. Here’s what’s going to happen – you’ll either grow apart, or they will catch up. Instead of giving them one more reason to have a problem, look to the future. Appreciate what you have in common with your friends, and then find lots of pregnant women (or new moms) who love talking about babies, birth, healing, feeding, napping, strollers, toys, cribs, diapers and everything else baby-related. When discussing the baby with your old friends, ask them if they’re interested in talking about it. Have the baby shower, but cool it on the baby talk. If you’re going to dump them in the future, at least get some gifts.

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Dear Harlan,

Do you have any advice on maintaining a relationship with someone who is not in college? My significant other is two years older than I am, and went straight into the world of work. He is very supportive of me, though. College just wasn’t for him. My parents are afraid he’s going to hold me back. Any advice?

College Student

Dear College Student,

Make sure you create a life that belongs to you. The mistake is putting your partner first. You need to take care of yourself, especially during this major life transition. Fill up your life with things you love to do on campus. Avoid visiting your boyfriend every other week. If your boyfriend is the only interesting thing in your life, it’s time to find more interests. Spend time sharing experiences with people on campus – that’s how you’ll form friendships. But it takes

time and effort. The best way to create a great life is to take on leadership positions that force you to stay on campus. You also can get a campus job. It’s very easy to hide in the comfort of a relationship, but this isn’t how you grow and form deep roots. Put yourself first. Make sure you create a life where your needs come first, and make sure your boyfriend respects this. This is how you build a lasting relationship.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

© Harlan Cohen 2017

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