Dear Harlan, 

I’m about to become a new mother. My boyfriend and I are pretty much ready (as ready as new parents can be), except I have yet to talk to my mother about something that’s bothering me.  She has severe bipolar disorder, and she expresses herself with rage more than any other emotion. She is very controlling and manipulative, and I’m terrified of confronting her about the fact I don’t trust her alone with my child. When I was a child, she was a good mother until family situations happened that triggered her mental illness. After that, she was no longer who she used to be. Some days were better, and some days were much worse than others. She would have blackouts to the point of rage; she’d throw things, scream and create an unstable, dark environment for my brother and me. She deliberately belittled other family members, and she can make someone feel like the scum of the earth. Now that I’m having a child, she is starting to try to take over my life. She says she will have the baby over at her house all the time and that she comes before anybody else. Some days she acts like a loving mother, but it’s difficult to believe her because I know what she is capable of and who she really is. She has blamed me (among many others) for all the bad things and problems in her life, never taking any responsibility for what she has done. My father is still with her, and he is so loving and kind. He may not have been the perfect dad, but I wouldn’t trade him for anything, and I trust him. I’m terrified about confronting my mother about some rules I have set in place for her. I know she won’t want to follow them. I also don’t want my father to feel like he’s under the same rules, but I want him to understand why I have them set in place for my mother. I’m so lost as to what to do. How should I go about confronting my mother without creating too much conflict?

Lost

Dear Lost,

Your baby, your rules. Your new-momma instincts are 100 percent correct. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. You set the boundaries. That’s your job. Give your mom permission to not like the rules. But please understand what’s really happening here. Suddenly, you’re forced to face all of these unresolved issues from your childhood.  Your mom’s rage, the blackouts, the dark environment for you and your brother – these are all issues that you’ve been able to push aside until now. To deal with your mom in the future, you need to deal with your past. This is bigger than babysitting. Find a therapist who can be in your corner to help you find balance, process your past and communicate with your mother. In the meantime, wait until the baby arrives. Tell your mom that you’re not comfortable leaving the baby with anyone. Make it more about you and less about her bad parenting. Avoid telling your dad that you don’t trust your mother. This just puts him in the middle and forces him to keep secrets. As you get more comfortable as a new mom, you can decide how to discuss the past with your mother. For now, focus on taking care of the baby and you. Give it time. Your mom might be surprisingly willing to follow your rules and make changes.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

© Harlan Cohen 2017

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