Dear Harlan,

How do I get better at saying “no” to people? I almost always say “yes,” even if it means being pulled in too many directions or overscheduling myself. While I know I shouldn’t always say “yes,” I still do it. I don’t want to disappoint people. The problem is that I feel like my friends and family walk all over me because I never say “no.” I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but I know I have to be better at setting limits. How can I do this without hurting people? Do you have any suggestions?

Pleaser

Dear Pleaser,

Have kids. It’s made me great at saying “no.” And no, I’m not actually suggesting you have a child, but it does change how you look at the word “no.”  Saying “no” is not hurtful; it’s about setting limits. Limits help you define boundaries. Boundaries set expectations. Without limits and boundaries, you can expect to be walked over. Here’s how you change this: Change “no” from a negative word to a necessary one. Make it empowering. Saying “no” helps you prioritize your time, focus on what’s important and allows you to listen to what YOU want. As for being rude, you can always say “no” and be kind and loving when doing it. For example, you could say, “Thank you. I’m so grateful you’d even ask me. Unfortunately, I can’t take this on at the moment.” People who respect you will respect when you set boundaries. People who don’t listen to “no” aren’t people you need in your life. Give people permission to not always get a “yes” as a response. Check out the book “The Power of No: Because One Little Word Can

Bring Health, Abundance and Happiness” by James Altucher and Claudia Azula Altucher. In essence, the book explains how saying “no” is the key to creating a life where you can focus your time, energy and relationships in places where you can be rewarded and fulfilled.  Remember: “No” isn’t negative; it’s necessary.

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Hi Harlan,

Your response to the writer who was concerned about rooming with a pot-smoking burnout while in college was very poor, to say the least. If the student you referred to as “Stuck” doesn’t want to live with a pot-smoking roommate, he should contact the school ASAP and find another roommate. Who cares if the roommate gets in trouble with his dope habit? My experience with these burnouts is extensive in the workplace. While high, they always seem to come up with some grandiose plan that they are too lazy to implement – and when they are not high, they are moody and blame others for their lack of success. Burnouts can’t get a decent-paying job because most companies require you to pass a urine test before hiring, so they end up at some low-paying job. Let’s not forget secondhand smoke, either. Again, your response was very poor, and I now consider you an advocate for burnouts. Run, Stuck, run! Thanks for your time, and please print this for the others who feel the same as I do.

Dear S.,

The term “burnout” is so ‘70s. Not all people who smoke pot are on the road to nowhere. Clearly, you have strong feelings about marijuana and people who use it. But given the legal changes, medicinal usage and shifting social stigma, I think you might want to reconsider your view. I’m not one to make sweeping generalizations. A conversation about boundaries is the best way to gauge how to move forward.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

© Harlan Cohen 2017

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