Dear Harlan,

My older son started school at a big university on the other side of the country last year. He says he loves it there, but he missed the deadline for his residency this year. Unfortunately, he will have to go to a community college near home. I told him many times to check for deadlines, but I feel he doesn’t process the information. At some point, I shouldn’t have to do everything for him. He is smart, got fairly good grades (Mostly B’s and a few C’s) during his first year; however, he struggles in math. He knows where to turn for help, but I think is too shy and introverted to ask for it. I am not sure how to deal with that. Other than supporting him and giving him the tools and resources he needs to succeed and ask for help, I just don’t know what else to do. I cannot do this for him. At some point, he will need to gather the courage to overcome his shyness in order for him to be a successful student. Any thoughts?

Searching for Answers

Dear Searching,

This is a gift. I know it’s painful, but this is how he learns. His struggles belong to him, but his victories belong to you (but don’t tell him that). He is accountable to himself – not to you. If he wants to live on campus, he can figure it out. If he wants to get help, he can use the resources you’ve provided. You can suggest that he might need help with executive function: These are the skills needed to organize and prioritize his time. A coach or therapist could be an awesome resource. But this is his life. He might be able to transfer during the second semester. He might go to community college and love it. There is nothing for you to do; it’s time to observe and be there to listen and offer advice if/when he’s open to suggestions. But he’s in charge.

***

Dear Harlan,

I’m falling in love with my best friend’s girlfriend. She has never expressed romantic feelings for me, but there always seems to be something more than just friendship. She is always leaning on me, hugging me and telling me that she can’t believe I’m single. She tells me all about the things she hates about her boyfriend. I would never act on my feelings, so I think it’s probably best for me to distance myself from her. The problem is that I like all the attention. How can I stop this without it being weird? I know she is going to still want me as a friend.

Falling in Love

Dear Falling in Love,

When you’re hanging out with the same people and falling for your best friend’s girlfriend, it tells me that your world is way too small. When your world is a too-small world, it means you’re hanging around the same people and going through the same routine all the time. Find more friends. Date more women. Distance yourself from your friend when he’s with his girlfriend, and surround yourself with more women. Pick two things you’d love to do – they can be

athletic, leadership, professional, volunteering, spiritual or whatever else interests you. Do it with different people. Get set up. When his girlfriend leans on you, tell her you appreciate the love, but you need to save it for other ladies. This can only happen when you have a life that’s bigger and much more interesting.

***

Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 2720 Dundee Road, Suite 226, Northbrook, IL 60062.

© Harlan Cohen 2017

Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.

–HELP ME, HARLAN! Son makes a big mistake, mom can’t bear to watch–