Dear Harlan, 

I’m a 23-year-old female who has mostly had male friends in her life. I have always had good relationships with men. Everything remains platonic with these friends until one of them expresses feelings for me. It’s happened on several occasions, and most recently over the holidays. One of my closest male friends for years confessed that he has feelings for me. I was blindsided and upset. I told him that I only saw him as a friend and wasn’t interested in pursuing more. I mentioned that I find it frustrating that this always happens. I didn’t understand why he would put me in this position. Now it’s hard for me to be around him. I don’t know how to respond. Why does this always happen to me? How can I respond? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Too Many friends

Dear Too Many Friends,

Why are you the victim? He did NOTHING wrong. He told you how he felt. It’s not unusual for a friend to develop feelings for you. It’s unfair to blame him for sharing his feelings. If you can’t handle the truth, then find a better way to handle the truth, or don’t have male friends. It sounds like there’s something deeper going on with how you handle your relationships. Maybe you like to make all the rules, and being friends with men makes it easier for you to have control. Perhaps female friends don’t give you the same sense of control.  When a guy steps outside of your comfort zone with the truth, your reaction is to attack. I’d start by apologizing to this friend. I’d thank him for being so honest with you. Make this more about you and your own relationship challenges. If you enjoy his company, ask him if he’s comfortable being friends. He’s got a lot of practice just being your friend. He hasn’t changed. He just told you the truth. You’re the one who has changed.

***

Dear Harlan, 

I was seeing a guy who was already seeing someone else. When we started seeing each other, I didn’t know about the other girl. All I want to do is talk to this girl and tell her I’m sorry, and that if I had known, I would have done things differently. How do I enter that conversation with her? Should I?

The Other Woman

Dear The Other Woman,

You don’t know anything about their relationship. You don’t know his history with her, their present situation or their future. There’s nothing to talk about.  He’ll most likely deny it if she confronts him. She will blame you even if you have the most genuine intentions. And really, you have no idea if she’s mentally stable. She might decide to ruin your life because you ruined hers. Run from this situation. If she approaches you to discuss your relationship with him, feel free to share the truth. But you don’t have to confess or find her. That said, make it clear to the guy who lied to you that you will not keep his secrets, and that you want nothing to do with him. Make it clear that you would have never been in this relationship had you known the truth. In the future, take time before getting involved. The longer you can get to know someone, the less likely you are to be the other woman — unless he’s really really good at lying and deceiving.

***

Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

© Harlan Cohen 2017

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