HELP ME, HARLAN! Daughter can’t stomach talking politics with family

Harlan Cohen

Dear Harlan, 

Im having a hard time being around my family. I have dinner every Sunday with my parents. My brother and his three kids also join us. I have two young children and a husband I adore. Dinner has been a long-standing ritual in our family. My problem is that my familys political beliefs are the polar opposite of mine. I dont need to tell you whom they support or whom I support – thats not the point. Every weekend we end up debating issues, and I end up losing complete faith in their judgment and humanity. I promise myself not to talk politics, but when it comes up, I cant keep my mouth shut. It ends up in a big fight and my kids are witness to it all. My husband said we should stop going because it upsets me too much. I love my family, but I dont love their politics. Ive asked them to please not discuss politics at the table, but they remind me that free speech is part of our Constitutional rights. They feel I should be better equipped to listen to differing views. I see their point, but their views are disgusting. I have a very emotional response. Im not sure what I can do. I cant see this getting any better. Fortunately, my husband shares the same political beliefs. Any suggestions? Please help. 

Politically Appalled

 

Dear Politically Appalled,

Pass the chicken … and shut up! That’s what you’re thinking, right? Unfortunately, the dinner table is not a Facebook newsfeed where you can control the conversation. It would be awesome if you could just choose the angry face, hide a comment or report them. I’m sure your loving family has many wonderful qualities. Unfortunately, you can’t control their political leanings. You have every right to be emotional, and they have every right to discuss politics. You can either meet them where they are or you can disengage. Meeting them where they are means listening and not fighting. It means asking them questions if you’re compelled to. It means stating your opinions without expecting them to agree.   Really, there isn’t a safer place to try to understand the thinking behind their political views. Don’t try to change their minds. Give them permission to not share your beliefs, and avoid words like “disgusting” if you choose to engage them. You might find that a less-confrontational approach will give them room to share their own reservations when they come up. Only time will tell. If it’s too emotional to engage with them on any level, then don’t. Quietly get up from the table when politics comes up. If someone asks you a political question away from the table, tell that family member you’d rather talk about how frequently you move your bowels. You can explain that politics gets you too charged up and you would rather talk about something lighter. If you don’t agree with their ideology, vent during the car ride home with your husband, and take action to create change.  Show your children that you can agree to disagree, but there are always ways to make your voice heard. As for boycotting family dinners, it’s unfair to rob your children of the chance to be with your parents, cousins and other family members. Focus on the best parts of your family and tune out the rest. It’s only four years.

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Harlan is author of Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober) (St. Martins Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

 

© Harlan Cohen 2017

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