HELP ME, HARLAN! Getting back together with ex shouldn’t be hard to explain

Harlan Cohen

Dear Harlan,

I recently got back together with my ex for the second time. How should we break the news to friends and/or family who were unsupportive of us when we got back together the first time?

Back Together Again

 

Dear Back Together,

If your ex is an abuser, a user, a loser, a felon, a liar, a manipulator, an alienator, a perpetrator or someone who had disrespected you or family, it’s going to be a hard sell to the family. The most important person you need to convince is you: Once you understand why you’ve gotten back together, what will be different this time and why this is the best decision for you, it will be easier to explain to the people who love you the most. If you can’t address these three issues with confidence and clarity, you shouldn’t be back together with this person. If the people who love you the most have concerns, don’t blame them for asking; hear them out. You should be able to listen and answer their questions. When you know exactly why you’re getting back together and why this is a healthy decision, it’s easy to answer questions and ease other people’s concerns. If you can’t explain why this is a good idea, that means it’s a bad idea.

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Dear Harlan,

How do I make people take me seriously as a leader? It seems like people ignore me. They don’t appreciate what I say, or they talk over me. I have always had this problem. What do you suggest I do to get people to respect me?

Take Me Seriously

 

Dear Take Me Seriously,

You can’t persuade people to take you seriously by telling them, “Take me seriously.” It takes action. It takes working without recognition. Create your own opportunities. Be the hardest-working person in the room. Do what no one else wants to do. Give people permission to get you wrong. The most successful people in the world can suffer a lifetime of rejection and mistreatment. Focus on what you love. Find a mentor who believes in you — one person is all you need. Work and keep working, and good things will happen. People will open their eyes and realize that you are a leader.

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Dear Harlan,

I unknowingly dated a girl who was already in a relationship. We were together for a month. When we started seeing each other, I didn’t know anything about her long-distance relationship. When I found out what was happening, I immediately ended the relationship. I feel I should talk to this other guy and tell him I’m sorry. How do I have that conversation?

The Other Guy

 

Dear Other Guy,

I can’t see a good reason for you to talk to her boyfriend. Considering that she’s a liar, what she’s going to do is lie about you when you have this conversation — she’s not going to come clean and admit that she cheated on her boyfriend; she’s just going to make you the problem. Then you’re going to get more involved and waste time that could be spent moving forward. This relationship is over. You didn’t know she was seeing someone. You did the right thing. It happens. Now it’s time to move on. She can live with what she did. The next time you’re in a relationship, ask the person if she is in another relationship. Don’t assume you are the only one. Explain what happened in the past, and take measures to avoid it in the future.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

© Harlan Cohen 2017

Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.