Dear Harlan,

My girlfriend spends too much time on her phone. She will pick up her phone during meals and text her friends. If I tell her to stop, she says she needs to answer the text messages. She is constantly taking pictures of her food. When she’s not texting or taking pictures, she’s on Snapchat. We can’t sit and watch a movie together without her constantly checking her phone. I mention that it bothers me, but that doesn’t keep her from checking her phone. I don’t think she understands how frustrating it is to try to connect with someone and then get interrupted.    

Phone Hater 

Dear Phone Hater,

I also like a woman’s full attention, but I can’t compete with smartphones. I don’t have apps built into my face. I can’t share text messages and videos on my chest. I don’t have books to read built into my belly. I’ll admit it — phones are so much more interesting than I am. Don’t compete with her phone. Ask for her time. Start the conversation by telling her how much you appreciate spending time with her. Then, ask if you have her permission to share something that’s making you uncomfortable. Asking for permission gives her control. If she says “yes,” share how you feel (not what she’s doing wrong). An example: “When we are together, I feel that our cellphones get in the way of connecting with each other. I miss our uninterrupted time together. Can we try no phones on the table during meals (unless we have to take pictures of food for Instagram)? No phones during a movie (unless we have to look up where we’ve seen an actor)? No phones when we are on a date (unless we’re getting an Uber)?” Start small, and see if she is open to change. In all fairness, she might not even realize how much she’s using her phone or how it affects you. If she’s not available to listen to you because the cellphone is distracting her, you can always text her how you feel about phones (while sitting next to her).

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Dear Harlan, 

I’ve come across an old friend’s Facebook profile. We went to high school together over 20 years ago. We were friendly in the past, but nothing romantic ever happened. I’m single again, after 15 years of marriage. I’ve learned through a mutual friend that he also is recently divorced. What is the best way to reconnect after 20 years? I don’t know if he’s single or where he is in his life. I have this feeling that there could be something there, but I don’t want to come off as too forward or desperate. Any suggestions? 

Old Friend

Dear Old Friend,

It’s like the ’90s again, right? There are the butterflies, excitement, fear of rejection and Zima (yes, it’s coming back). But this isn’t high school, and you’re 20 years older. You’re now a much more confident, attractive, interesting and self-assured adult who is interested in reconnecting with someone from the past. There is nothing forward or desperate about being friendly. The best way to connect is to send a note that reads: “Can’t believe it’s been so long.  Remember me? How are you?” If he responds, that’s great. If not, that’s fine too. If he’s single, even better. If he’s married, you can reconnect and then move on. Offer him a friendly invitation to participate in your life. If you can’t handle the possibility of rejection, then don’t send a note. Work on knowing that you’re a confident, attractive, interesting and self-assured adult. Then, send the note.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

© Harlan Cohen 2017

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