I’ve started dating a new guy, and he’s the best-looking man I’ve ever dated. He’s so good-looking that I’m waiting for him to realize that he can do better than me. I know this is a horrible way to look at myself, but I know he could be with lots of other women. My friends all adore him. I love spending time with him, but I have this horrible feeling that he’s going to realize that I’m not as good as he thinks he is. I’m thinking of breaking up with him. My closest friend thinks I’ve lost my mind. How can I date someone if I’m scared he’s going to dump me?
Dear Too Good-Looking,
You are deserving of love — never forget that. I have a wife who is better-looking than me. I can admit it. I’m not ugly, but my wife is easier on the eyes. There’s still this part of me that doesn’t feel good enough at times. When I’m reminded of this, I have to remind myself that I’m worthy and deserving of love. We create our own stories. My story is that I’m kind, loving, caring, generous, thoughtful, motivated, funny and attractive. When I was younger, my story was “I’m fat, not good enough, not smart enough and lucky to date anyone.” I’ve worked hard to change my story. When I’m tired, out of shape or feeling stressed, my old story will bubble up. If you always tell the story that you’re not good enough, your boyfriend will start to believe it. If you tell a story that you’re interesting, creative, powerful, determined and sexy as hell, he will believe that. Your physical appearance is just one part of who you are, and clearly, he’s into you. Instead of breaking up with him, change your story. As you grow closer, you’ll discover something shocking: He’s just as scared of you discovering his story. We are all beautiful, but we all struggle to tell our stories. If you can’t tell your story on your own, seek professional help.
I’m having problems with my roommate. It started with him butting into my conversations. I’ve made a list of all the things that bother me about him:
(1) He has no common sense. (2) He doesn’t respect my personal space. (3) He forces his way into my business. (4) He goes through my stuff without getting permission. (5) He has parties in his room late at night. (6) He takes stuff that doesn’t belong to him. (7) He chews gum loudly. (8) He complains about my stuff. (9) He will not allow me to have an alarm clock. (10) He has no manners or respect for my boundaries. (11) He comes into my room and wakes me up. (12) He thinks he can tell me what I can do. How should I handle this?
Dear Bad Roommate,
Here’s my list for you: (1) Stop making lists about the things you hate. (2) Make a new list. (3) List 10 positive things about your roommate. (4) Throw away the hateful list. (5) Start over with your roommate. (6) Tell him you just want to get along with him. (7) Ask him if he wants to get along with you. (8) Figure out the bare minimum of what it will take to get along. (9) Stay out of the room as much as possible. (10) Make more friends outside your room. (11) Find a new roommate for next semester. (12) If this is too hard, involve your resident adviser to see how he or she can help you live in peace.
Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 2720 Dundee Road, Suite 226, Northbrook, IL 60062.
© Harlan Cohen 2017
Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
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