Dear Harlan, 

We have a family problem – our mother! She thinks everything in life is about her. She is bossy and holds grudges for years. My sister and I are very close, and we’re always in trouble with our mother. We are both married to wonderful men, and have two teenage daughters who cannot stand their grandmother and have little respect for her. My dad owned a successful shop and our husbands worked for him. My dad died young and left the business to his daughters (us). Dad took care of our mother with money and set her up for the rest of her life. But our mother cannot get along with anyone, anywhere. Our families left our church because of her. Mother has no friends because she has tried to ruin their lives, too. Our mother is a very attractive lady who dresses sharp, but she buys clothes at garage sales for our daughters. This, of course, upsets them. She treats our husbands terribly. How can we do a better job of cooperating with our know-it-all mother? Even when we were little girls in elementary school, my sister and I caught on that everything had to be about our mother. Please help. 

Daughters

Dear Daughters,

She dresses sharp and knows how to stretch a dollar. These are the two qualities you need to focus on. Your mom sounds lonely, sad, scared and damaged. She lost her husband way too soon and probably suffered other traumas you don’t even know about (you might want to ask). Your mom tries to control people around her because she has little control in her life. Controlling the family is all that she has left. You might have missed this. It doesn’t make it all right, but she’s your mom. Either avoid her or get better at setting boundaries and understanding the reason behind her awful behavior. Explain to your daughters that grandma’s actions aren’t about a lack of love, but her own issues that she needs to address. Make a pact with your sister to focus on your mom’s best qualities. When your mom crosses the line, respectfully explain to your mom what is making you uncomfortable and don’t engage in an argument. Remind yourselves, “Mom has issues. She needs to own them. Exercise compassion.” To do this, Harlanou need to be balanced, healthy and supported. Appreciate what she can give you while she’s alive and in your life. Teach your children to do the same. They learn how to respect your mom from you. That’s why they don’t have much respect for her.

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Dear Harlan, 

I’m 21 years old and a senior in college. I feel like I know what I want for the rest of my life, but after a year together, my boyfriend is a little slower. We both love each other very much, but I don’t want to waste my time if I want to marry him and just he’s dragging his feet.

Committed

Dear Committed,

What’s the big rush? It’s only been a year. What are you running from? It’s easy to get married, but much harder to stay married. Don’t run too fast. Give it a couple more years. He might want to graduate, find a job and be in a place where he has security. He might not be ready to commit the rest of his life to you after one year.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

© Harlan Cohen 2017

Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.