Dear Harlan,

How do you allow your child to fail while teaching her that she is resilient and able to push forward when things don’t go her way? Today’s schools push and push students to excel academically, but the system isn’t set up to teach resilience. Do you have any advice?

Frustrated Parents

Dear Frustrated Parents,

Yes, schools focus mostly on academic success – parents demand it, the federal government demands it. What gets lost is their social, emotional and physical education. There’s a reason tens of millions of college students are stressed, depressed and struggling outside the classroom. The education outside the classroom starts with you (and me). You are the adult who bookends each day. Start with a family mantra: “No matter what happens today, always remember that you are exceptional.” Redefine success. Remind your child that  “the only way to be perfect is to be an imperfectionist.” Make it safe for her to struggle. Help her recognize that grades don’t define her self-worth. Rejection and adversity are parts of going after what you want. Dreaming big and taking a step in the direction you want to go is the goal. If your child is self-directed and makes it clear that having a meaningful experience in high school is the most important part of her education, she can set boundaries and stand firm when feeling pushed or pressured. Encourage her to find one teacher outside the classroom who can be in her corner. Make sure she has something outside the classroom that gives her a sense of meaning. Suggest that she find friends who share her beliefs. Encourage her to find one adult (other than you) who can help her see the bigger picture. Model the behavior you want her to exhibit, and trust that she will learn what they can’t teach her in school.

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Dear Harlan,

I’m a senior in high school who is dealing with unreasonable parents. My friends all have a curfew of midnight or 1 a.m., but my parents insist that I’m home by 10:30. I’m not sure how they expect me to be my own person when they are constantly checking up on me.  How can I get them to loosen their rules? I’m tired of being the kid with the overprotective parents. I’m trapped, and I hate it. Help!

Trapped

Dear Trapped,

They’re running out of time. They have control over you only for one more year. Soon, you will legally have the ability to do what you want, when you want, with whomever you want. If they’re not going to give you room to grow and figure out how to be a responsible adult, be clever about how to make it happen. Use groups, activities and organizations to work within your parents’ comfort zone. Join a religious group that has meetings on the weekends, takes trips and hosts events. Participate in school-sponsored organizations that offer evening activities. Take on a leadership role that requires late meetings and get-togethers. Work at a camp that requires living away from home. When you get to college, use the same strategy to explore the world. When you do find your parents holding you back, try to understand their fears – then you can speak to them in their language. If they don’t budge, appreciate that you soon will have the freedom to do what you want. Enjoy the free food at home, and keep reminding yourself that it’s temporary.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

© Harlan Cohen 2017

Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.