Harlan Cohen

Dear Harlan,

I’m getting tired of giving gifts to grandchildren who don’t appreciate it. My grandchildren live across the country, and they never call me to say “thank you” or send me thank-you cards. It’s almost as if it’s all expected. I’ve been tempted not to send gifts to see if they respond to me. I’ve told my daughter that I’d appreciate a thank-you note or a call. She tells me the kids appreciate it, and she forces them to get on the phone and thank me. That’s not what I want. As I’m preparing gifts, yet again, I’m not feeling all that generous. What is wrong with them? Is it wrong for me to want my grandchildren to thank me?

Generous Nana

Dear Generous Nana,

You’re NEVER wrong. You’re Nana. Nana shouldn’t have to change; that’s the luxury of being Nana. But I have a suggestion: Change — just a little bit. Meet them where they are. Let me explain: As a dad of three, I constantly have to meet my kids where they are. It’s inconvenient. It’s irritating. It’s not how I grew up. Meeting them where they are doesn’t mean giving them permission to be rude or disrespectful. It means connecting with them in a place that’s comfortable and then taking them to a new place. For example, instead of forcing them to say “thank you,” ask them to send you a video of them using the gift. Instead of sending them a gift, go shopping together. If you can’t shop together because of distance, have them do it while on a video call. Make the experience part of the gift. Find ways to connect with them and feel appreciated. Oh, and ask them to send you a photo of them using the gift to put it on your “People I Love” wall.

***

Dear Harlan,

After a long struggle with my weight, I lost 70 pounds. However, I still feel overweight — even though I’m wearing the smallest size of my life. It’s hard for me to handle the new attention I’m getting. I’m surprised how uncomfortable I am. A part of me thinks that putting the weight back on would keep me safe from all the attention, but I don’t want that. Any suggestions?

Newly Skinny

Dear Newly Skinny,

Oh, “fat brain.” I got “fat brain” in my teens. I was 192 pounds and a little over 5 feet tall. I lost the weight, but my brain stayed fat. Fat brain told me that I still wasn’t good enough. That’s the message I learned from the people who rejected, teased and judged me. “Fit brain” got me in shape, but fat brain filled me with self-doubt. It’s taken years for my brain to catch up with my body. I still work at it. The way to counteract fat brain is to recognize that this is part of the process. Make fit brain stronger than fat brain. Continue to do the work. Anchor yourself to people who will love you regardless of your size. Do the things you love to do that don’t depend on anyone else for satisfaction. Find a support group to keep you connected with like-minded people. Join a gym, find a trainer and enlist the help of a therapist. Make your fit brain stronger. When you encounter people who give you attention, let fit brain respond. If fat brain interrupts, tell it to take a nap. You’ve got it covered.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 2720 Dundee Road, Suite 226, Northbrook, IL 60062.

© Harlan Cohen 2017; Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.

—HELP ME, HARLAN!: Ungrateful grandkids have Nana thinking twice about gift-giving–