Dear Harlan,

I’m in my early 20s and still living with my parents. I have a full-time job, but between loans, car payments and expenses, I’m not in a financial place to have my own apartment. I’d like to get out of here soon, but I’m not holding my breath. My challenge is dating: How do I impress a woman when I’m living at home? How can bring her home or have a relationship? I don’t want anything serious, because I can’t bear the idea of bringing someone home. What do you suggest?   

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

No, no, no. Let’s stop calling them your “parents” – let’s call them your “older roommates.” See how you can change the story? According to Pew Research, 35 percent of American men ages 18-34 live with their parents, and 28 percent live with a partner or spouse. When it comes to women, 29 percent live with their parents, and 35 percent live with a partner. I know it doesn’t feel great sleeping in your childhood bedroom and staring at your Little League trophies, but it’s temporary. It’s like  Airbnb, but it’s your house. If you’re focused and determined to save money so you can move out and put yourself in a strong financial situation, that’s hot. If you have a plan to get your own place and are working toward a bigger goal, that’s also hot. What matters most is the story you tell yourself. Sure, there will be women who won’t be interested in dating someone who lives at home, but those are the wrong women for you.  Don’t let your living situation stop you from living your life. It’s temporary. It’s a

means to something bigger. In the meantime, date women who have their own places and independent lives who want a little love in the life. You’re their hot single man.

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Dear Harlan,

My daughter went through the college application process, and she’s very disappointed because she didn’t get into her dream school. She is interested in pursuing a gap year. I’m not comfortable with the idea of her taking a year off. What do you think about gap-year programs? 

Gap Year or Lost Year

Dear Gap Year,

I’m a huge fan of gap years. Most people don’t understand what they’re about or recognize their value. Gap-year programs allow students to work, travel, volunteer and experience other cultures. Some are run by organizations (like City Year AmeriCorps). Students can earn money, gain leadership skills, have valuable experiences and build a network of people. There aren’t the academic pressures that come with going to college. It’s a time to grow socially and emotionally while physically experiencing a new environment. Students can focus on leadership and serving others. They also can spend time working in an organization or field that interests them. It’s a powerful experience at the perfect time. Whenever I meet students who participated in gap-year programs, they come back confident, self-assured and self-directed. There seems to be this race to get to the next place, but most students don’t know why they’re racing or whom they’re trying to beat. A gap year is a pause. It’s a time to reflect, breathe

and focus on the moment. It’s less about getting to the next place and more about getting to know yourself and others. A gap year can help your child realize that her dream school might have been less substance and more fantasy. Most students get caught up in the dream. A gap year brings them down to earth.

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Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

© Harlan Cohen 2017

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