Paul Sassone

If there was one place I always thought of as a refuge from reality it was television commercials.

No matter how frightening and terrible the real world became, I always knew I could count on commercials to lift me into a level of unreality where nothing mattered but the rich, mellow taste of coffee or the whitening power of a new, improved detergent.

Bad things could be happening:

• “Eighteen people were killed early today when Marines and insurgents clashed in the latest outbreak of violence in the six-week-old Wisconsin Secession Crisis.”
• “In today’s edition, the New York Times reported a grand jury soon will hand down an indictment against Donald Trump for conspiracy in the case involving the forging of Honus Wagner baseball cards.”
• “Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today he will continue to make movies.”

But no matter how terrifying or depressing the headlines I knew they soon would be interrupted by a cheery Mrs. Olson, a chatty Mr. Whipple, info about a new breath mint, or reassurance I deserved a break today.

No more.

Now when I hear that Vladimir Putin has been elected governor of Illinois, or that pizza production has been halted in the wake of yet another case of mozzarella poisoning, the commercials breaking into these real-life horrors no longer bring comfort but are just as horrible as the horrors.

• “The new, handy eight-pack offers you a choice of catheters that are almost pain free.” (That word, “almost” is terrifying.)
• “When I found out I had inoperable rectal cancer I was kind of blue. Then I heard about the great strides in cancer treatment being made at the University of Stone Park Medical Center.”
• “Does someone you love have a drug, alcohol or leprosy problem? Call Karloff Clinic. The healing begins the moment you pay.”

And how many commercials for new wonder drugs list side effects right out of the Spanish Inquisition in their dreadfulness? Side effects that are more horrible than what the drug is aimed at alleviating.

“If you experience any of these side effects or death, call your physician
right away.”

Neat trick.

In more reticent days, health commercials used to deal with such benign problems as dandruff, bad breath, body odor and headaches.

Now there is no disease too terrifying, no condition too embarrassing for a commercial to tackle.

I am quite aware of all the bad things that can (and eventually will) get us. But I don’t want to be reminded of them all the time.

There needs to be some place safe from reality, some place where problems are small and solvable merely by purchasing a pill or spray that requires no prescription, that doesn’t need inserting and one that does not say on the label, “may cause death.”

I want to live in an upbeat commercial world, a world in which commercials would not embarrass or frighten June Cleaver.

–I want to live in an upbeat commercial world–