Leavitt: Going back where you came from is just a pleasant stroll down Memory Lane

By Irv Leavitt

Young again!

I feel like I have been propelled back to the halcyon days of yesteryear, when I hear once more the ring of plain speaking throughout the land, as I did as a child.

“Go back where you came from!”

“Love it or leave it!”

“We don’t need your kind around here!”

Soon, we will again be able to say the words we fondly remember. The ones that rhyme with chigger, trike, flick, Faygo and Tink.

And before long, we will again have a right to the true mid-century expressions of American tolerance.

“You have your neighborhood. I have mine. Wouldn’t you rather live with your own people?”

“I work with them, no problem. I just don’t want my daughter marrying one of them.”

“Look at the animal world. Like goes with like.”

And we’ll be able to once again speak the truth!

“You’ve been in this country long enough to have learned to talk English.”

“Why do I have to work every day when they collect welfare?”

“Go eat somewhere else. We don’t have any fried chicken or watermelon here.”

“The only thing wrong with Hitler was a lack of efficiency.”

“They’ve got another thing coming if they think they’re going to run down my property value.”

“Why should I let them in here? I don’t allow dogs or cats in, either.”

“Watch your kids. Those people like to drink their blood, you know.”

“As soon as they moved in, we got burglaries. They want to make it like their country.”

“Don’t let your daughter walk past that house. You may never see her again.”

“They don’t know how to live like human beings.”

It can be more than just talk. We can take our country back!

“Maybe we can get rid of everybody that we shouldn’t have let in in the first place. We have plenty of boats. Airplanes, even — they’re faster!”

“Every time a job opens up, a born American should get first shot. A man who supports his family, not someone just working for fun.”

Maybe people will look like real Americans again!

“Hey droopy pants! Buy a belt, and use it.”

“If you’re not getting married, you don’t get to wear a veil.”

“If you have hair on the top of your head, you should have it on the sides, too.”

We can advise people to live the way God intended.

“If you were born a boy, you die a man.”

“It’s not hard to figure out which bathroom someone is supposed to use. Ask them for their birth certificate. All you need to know is right there.”

“Your birth certificate gives a good indication of who you’re supposed to date. If yours has an ‘F’ on it, you should be looking for somebody who has an ‘M.’ Not brain surgery.”

“If you can’t live with being straight, I don’t want to hear about it. Or see it. That’s how that kind of thing spreads.”

Things would be much better if our leaders served hard-working Americans first. They can’t do that if they’re not real Americans, though, can they?

Good Americans vote for the right people: other good Americans. That’s how we keep America such a great place to live for everybody.

Bad Americans vote for other bad Americans. Traitors, probably.

It’s easy to tell who the bad Americans are. Facebook. Twitter. And the other things that are like Facebook and Twitter.

But even when we find everybody who’s not on the same page, it’s not like we can put them in prison. They have lawyers.

But we can make sure that they don’t get any of the good stuff that real Americans control. It’s ours, and we don’t have to sell it to anyone we don’t want to.

No wedding cakes for funny marriages, of course. Also, no houses for funny families. Or people who are trying to move to where they don’t belong.

And no loans for businesses that sell stuff that’s bad for America. Why should we finance questionable books, movies and art? Or products that put people out of work, like electric cars and organic food?

America can’t be great if people who aren’t real Americans get to call the shots. And if they’re not real Americans, what are they? Are they even real people?

If we say the right things about them, good Americans will know they’re really stuck living with animals, not humans.

If they’re not real people, we may not be confined to running them out of the country.

Maybe no one will care if we take them completely off the Earth.