Tarzan, the mighty hero of song and legend, was worried and a little afraid. Civilization was coming to his jungle and beginning to disrupt his way of life. Many of the vines he had used for transportation had been cut down, seriously curtailing his swinging lifestyle. The culprit was a goblin-like man wearing a DeKalb seed cap, using a Menards chainsaw, and singing “Save big money at Menards.”

Some missionaries from the Malthusian Collectivist Church of the Newly Enlightened were pestering Tarzan. They told him it was immoral to live with Jane and not be married to her, especially with Boy and a chimp living with them. They told Tarzan that he and Jane were setting a bad example for the little chicks and dudes all over the world. They told him that the only way to remedy this situation was to tie the connubial knot in a formal church service. They insisted that a public exchange of solemn vows in a church would make Tarzan and Jane respectable in the eyes of the civilized world. To complete this wonderful picture of respectability, Tarzan and Jane would have to adopt Boy and turn the chimp loose.

Tarzan argued that a formal church service was not necessary. He believed that faithfulness was more important than a piece of paper, more important than all of the hoopla that goes with a formal wedding ceremony. Tarzan was strong and could resist the missionaries until the marsupials came home to the watering hole. It was, however, an entirely different matter with Jane.

Jane began to speak of bridal gowns, organ music, and a band of gold. Furthermore, she began to sing songs such as “O Promise Me,” “Some Sunday Morning,” and “One Way or Another I’m Gonna Getcha, Getcha, Getcha, Getcha, Getcha, Getcha.”

To Tarzan’s amazement and disappointment, Jane announced that the couple would have a large church wedding, but she told Tarzan that he could not invite the Great Apes. They might chortle and guffaw, frighten all of the wedding guests, eat all of the cake, and sing off key.

Tarzan heard Jane’s orders with sadness in his heart because of all the animals in the jungle those arboreal brachiators were his best friends. Indeed, he considered the Great Apes to be his family because they had raised him from a baby. He pleaded with Jane to change her mind, but Jane refused to budge. She even insisted that Tarzan sleep in a tree until after the wedding.

Then Tarzan made an important decision. He decided to be stubborn and show Jane who was boss. She needed to know that the mighty Tarzan of the jungle could not be ordered around like a small child or have his wishes ignored. Tarzan would show Jane that she could not tell him what to do.

All that happened two weeks ago, and much had happened since then. Now the mighty Tarzan pounded his chest and grimaced because he had pounded too hard. Then he shouted his famous jungle yell at the top of his voice, a welcoming sound to all of the denizens of the jungle because it meant that trouble was coming for the bullies.

Reaching for a vine, Tarzan glanced ruefully at the band of gold on his finger and at the bag of garbage Jane had ordered him to take out. Then Tarzan swung off into the soft jungle twilight.

There is a serious moral to this fable; it serves as a cautionary tale that everyone can understand . However just to be safe I will tell you what it is.

A little civilization is a good thing, but too much of a good thing can turn Tarzan into Pee.