HELP ME, HARLAN! Pregnant friend has outgrown single friend

Harlan Cohen

Dear Harlan,

How do I deal with a good friend who is in a different place in life? I love my friend dearly – we have been close friends since we were children. I’ve always been the one who got more attention from boys. When I started dating, she was the third wheel. When I got married, she was the bridesmaid on her own. Now we are in different worlds. I’m pregnant, and she is still single. She says she’s happy for me, and I believe her, but we have very little in common. When we go out for dinner, it’s like I have to work to make conversation. I’m always worried about talking too much about myself, but there isn’t much else to talk about. I value the friendship, but I’m sad to see us growing apart. I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or more of a chance to talk about how sad it makes me to see us grow apart. I want to be there for her, but we don’t have as much in common. I’m conflicted – should we continue to be friends, or should I let this friendship drift?

Best Old Friend

Dear Best Old Friend,

You’ve outgrown your pants, shoes and single friends. This can happen. Life moves at different paces for different people. Before dropping her faster than $100 at Target when shopping for baby, change how you think of her and this friendship. Think of her as your oldest and closest friend who is now your “going to a movie friend,” “decorating a room friend” or “going to yoga” friend. Maybe there are other things you have in common that you can do together; just change what you do together. This isn’t about compromising the relationship; it’s about realigning your expectations and getting the most out of the friendship. If this sounds like a horrible idea or you don’t want to make the effort, don’t. Friendships have cycles. This could be a down one. People change, and life changes. Instead of making a formal break with her, just slowly drift through this part of the cycle. Stay in touch when it feels right. Include her in life moments and celebrations if you want. In a few years you can get close again — or not. Leave the door open and enjoy what you’ve shared in the past, and invite her to share more in the future.

***

Dear Harlan,

My boyfriend wants me to come back. We broke up because he was very jealous and a little controlling. We’ve been apart for six months and have started talking again. He tells me that things are different. He apologized and promised to not do what he did in the past. I’m skeptical, but I want to give him a chance. I miss him and still love him. Should I go back to him?

Thinking About It

Dear Thinking,

What’s different? I know you’re lonely, but what’s different about him? Did he see a therapist? Did he find the source of his jealous and controlling behavior? What is different this time around? If the answer is that he just did a lot of thinking, trust that he will be jealous and controlling again. It’s habitual. If you do give him another chance, ask him what his plan is should he get jealous and controlling again. What will he do to control the behavior instead of trying to control you? Tell him your plans. If he can’t give you answers, expect more of the same.

***

Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.

(c) Harlan Cohen 2017

Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.

–HELP ME, HARLAN! Pregnant friend has outgrown single friend–