Paula Kowalkowski, a certified spiritual director, leads a Blue Christmas service on Wednesday at Our Lady of Perpetual Help Church in Glenview. The service was for individuals experiencing grief, loss, loneliness or other challenges during the Christmas season. (Photos by Kevin Beese/Chronicle Media)

What if you are not happy when told “Happy holidays?” Or glad when someone offers you “Glad tidings?”

“Often when facing times of sorrow, these sayings mean little to us,” said Paula Kowalkowski, a certified spiritual director. “They can be idle words that are bleak and cold like a Chicago winter.”

Kowalkowski shared her personal experience of loss with people gathered Wednesday at Our Lady of Perpetual Help Church in Glenview for the parish’s first “Blue Christmas” service for individuals experiencing grief, loss, loneliness or other challenges during the Christmas season.

She remembered the days after her husband passed away 10 years ago, writing in her journal the same words that so many people have cried out, written about and thought through the ages: “Why?” “Why me?” “Why him?” and “Why my family?”

“For we can’t make sense of what happened and, unfortunately, there are no real answers. None that satisfy anyway” Kowalkowski said. “Sometimes during these times God seems absent, and you may feel alone.”

She said it is natural to even be angry with God during seasons of despair.

A service participant puts her reflection into the basket. Participants were given paper and a pen to reflect on what they are struggling with this Christmas season.

“’Where have you gone, God?” Kowalkowski said it is not uncommon to ask. “’I prayed to you and I’ve pleaded. I’ve called for you and you’re nowhere to be found.’ Even Jesus in his darkest hour said, ‘My God, why have you forsaken me? Why have you abandoned me?’”

Kowalkowski, who is also the music director at St. Thomas Becket Catholic Church in Mount Prospect, said people going through difficult times can struggle in the Christmas hype.

“Christmas is all about lights and parties and everything like that,” she said. “There are a lot of people who are suffering and sad, and so (the Blue Christmas service) is to help them in their time of need.”

Kowalkowski said struggling individuals should not get down on themselves because they are not in jovial holiday spirits.

“Take it easy on yourself. Trust in God and just take it easy on yourself,” she said. “That’s all you can do.”

Margaret Pasquesi, a cantor at Our Lady of Perpetual Help Church, sings during the Blue Christmas service.

Margaret Pasquesi, a cantor at Our Lady of Perpetual Help, helped Kowalkowski with the program as she did last year when Kowalkowski held a similar program at St. Thomas Becket Church.

Pasquesi performs live music at bedsides as pain relief and does a lot of funerals as a cantor.

She said the idea of the Blue Christmas service was to have a less traumatic event that allowed people to grieve.

“You don’t have grieving parties for divorce. You don’t have grieving parties for the loss of a job,” Pasquesi said

She noted OLPH Pastor Jeremiah Boland shared the misconception with parishioners that everyone is supposed to be happier around the holidays.

“People have (bad) memories from when they were younger or like it never quite was the Christmas they always dreamed about,” Pasquesi said.

She noted the Blue Christmas program was for anyone who needed some support around the holidays.

“It was help for anyone who’s just a little bit bummed, anybody for whom Christmas sucks,” Pasquesi said. “We wanted to give them a little break.”

Kowalkowski said the death of loved ones can be especially tough.

Participants put their reflections into a basket.

“These are persons who made an impact on your life, who loved you and who you loved, those people who taught you something, those with whom you made memories and had traditions with, those who cooked for you and cared for you, who cried with you, who made you laugh and when they died a piece of your heart died too.”

She said shattered relationships also take a toll on an individual.

“Broken relationships can bring sadness, anger and bitterness whether a family member, a friend or a spouse,” Kowalkowski said. “When the relationship ends, our hearts are ripped in two.”

She added that there is pain for individuals facing an illness or being a caregiver for someone who is ill. Kowalkowski said it carries sadness and grief and even anger around what a future might have looked like “if only.”

“A prolonged illness, a chronic disease is agonizing for the sufferer and for the caregivers where we can’t make sense of it,” Kowalkowski said. “We can’t quite wrap our heads around why this is happening”

Individuals stand in prayer at the end of the Blue Christmas service.

She noted that the times we live in also can depress individuals.

“The headlines are filled with stories from our homes to our cities and certainly the far corners of the world, stories of hunger and violence, of war,” Kowalkowski said. “Heart-wrenching tales of governments and tragedy.

“In our own country, we are a Divided States of America. In our families, in our friendships, in our workplaces, and even in our church, the polarization we are facing is daunting and wide, like a great chasm.”

kbeese@chronicleillinois.com